


If I was yours, but I'm not

by jperalta



Category: Succession (TV 2018)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety Attacks, Drug Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:08:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25115917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: In their college days, Stewy and Kendall have an apartment together, which consists of Stewy pining over Kendall and making sure he doesn't kill himself with alcohol and pills.Let me know if you think any additional tags should be included. Title: Ready to Start by Arcade Fire
Relationships: Stewy Hosseini/Kendall Roy
Kudos: 35





	If I was yours, but I'm not

Stewy’s vision blurred more and more over the course of the night as the party at his and Kendall’s apartment went on, deeper into the darkness, almost no one appearing remotely sober anymore. It had started off the same as always - Kendall having an anxiety attack in his bedroom in anticipation of the crowd, even though they were all mostly his friends. “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe,” he had said to himself, not knowing Stewy could hear through the door, that Stewy was listening with his own beating heart, trying not to break the door down. There had been the sound of pills shaking in a bottle then Kendall taking in deep breaths, over and over. 

About an hour later, Kendall was leaning against the wall, drinking cheap scotch out of the bottle. “You alright, Ken?” Stewy asked, putting an arm out to touch Kendall’s arm gently. Kendall slowly leaned into it, his eyes looking glossy and far away.

“Sure,” he said quietly, punctuated by a fake smile that Stewy had seen too many times before.

Stewy squeezed Kendall’s arm and rubbed his thumb across his skin. “Okay.”

Another hour or so later, Stewy had walked into what he thought was an empty room and found Kendall making out with some girl from one of their shared classes with an empty prescription bottle on the ground. The girl’s shirt was off and she was rubbing her hand against Kendall’s crotch as he let out small and soft moans.. As much as it hurt Stewy to see his friend so completely out of it, it hurt more to see him connected at the mouth with someone that wasn’t Stewy himself. He left the room and went to pee off the balcony, and when he was done he finished his beer and hurled the bottle into the trees with a scream before wiping his face and heading back inside for another beer. 

Sometime after 3am Stewy had heard a crash from the other room, and he and the few people still around him went over to see what it was. Kendall had punched a hole and the wall and was begging for someone to fight him. “Come on!” He yelled, a different bottle of liquor in his hand now. “I’m invincible, don’t you all know it?” No one said anything, and finally the rest of the people started to leave, calling their cabs or just heading out into the night. “Someone just hit me,” Kendall said quieter now, falling against the doorframe. “Please.” He raised the bottle to his mouth but Stewy walked towards him.

“I think you’ve had enough, Ken,” he said trying to guide his friend to his bedroom. 

“No,” Kendall pulled away. “Don’t… just…”

Stewy grabbed the bottle and threw it into the sink nearby. It smashed and he knew he’d have to clean it all up tomorrow, but that didn’t matter right now. At the sound of the bottle crashing Kendall whimpered as if it had been some beloved heirloom.

“No, I need more, because I can still… I can still…” 

They reached Kendall’s room and the two fell over onto the bed, the room spinning as the sound of their front door opening and closing played on repeat somewhere they couldn’t see.

“...can still what Ken?”

Kendall winced, bunched every part of his face together. “I can still hear myself think,” he said before bringing his shaking fists to his eyes. “I can still think.”

Stewy turned on his side and reached over to Ken who was crying now. “Ken… hey…”

Kendall rolled to his side too and wrapped his arms around Stewy, pulled him close. Stewy held him back as hard as he could as the two lay there with their legs wrapped around each other.

“It’s okay, Kenny,” Stewy said into Kendall’s ear as he let himself run his hand through his friend’s hair, gently massaging his scalp and hoping it was helping even a little. He could feel his shirt getting wet but of course he didn’t care. Then he felt Kendall’s lips on his neck and Stewy immediately felt himself growing hard despite how drunk he was. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want this. Kendall continued to kiss and lightly bite his neck and it took all Stewy’s power to pull away. Their noses were inches apart now and Stewy could see the tears still on Kendall’s cheeks. “You’re way too out of it, man. I’m way too out of it.” He wasn’t even sure that Kendall could hear him, given how far away he still looked. 

Kendall buried his face into the bed. “I wish I was dead,” he said, his voice muffled by the blankets. But Stewy knew. Kendall could only admit it to him when he was this level of wasted, which seemed to be happening more and more lately. 

“I know,” Stewy said mostly to himself as he held Kendall’s cheek in his hand, brushing some tears away with his thumb. 

“I’m trying,” Kendall muttered.

Stewy felt his heart drop. “What?” His throat was far too dry. Kendall didn’t respond right away and Stewy sat up straight and quickly, the room spinning around him again as he did. Then he thought of all the empty bottles he’d seen around the apartment along with the powder, the rogue pills, and he looked down as Kendall lay practically motionless on the bed. “What do you mean?” Stewy said as he started shaking Kendall’s shoulder. “How much stuff did you take tonight?”

Kendall continued to say nothing so still entirely wasted himself, Stewy dragged Kendall into the bathroom before sticking his finger down Kendall’s throat to make him gag, which when he did made Stewy want to do the same but he held it down. Kendall retched into the bowl then started to sob again. “Fuck,” he finally said. “Why…” but then he couldn’t stop himself from getting sick another time as Stewy looked away and leaned against the wall. Kendall was able to stand up for a short period of time to rinse his mouth out in the sink before collapsing back into the cold tile floor, curling around himself. Stewy somehow felt like he had betrayed him. “I’m sorry,” Kendall said quietly as he continued to cry. “God damn it, what’s wrong with me?”

Stewy didn’t say anything. He moved closer to Kendall on the ground, shaking and scared. He tugged on Kendall’s shirt and Kendall fell against his chest. Stewy didn’t know what else he could do besides hold him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I am new to this show as of yesterday, so I'm not sure how well this lines up with things mentioned in the show since I haven't finished yet, but I just had to write this. Currently just this but might have more inspiration as I progress!


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